The Empty Cup & The Guilt Trip: Why Mom's Self-Care Isn't Selfish
I talk to a lot of parents, especially mothers, who feel like they're constantly running on fumes. They pour everything they have into their children, their partners, their careers, their homes... until there's nothing left. When I suggest carving out time for themselves, I often hear the same thing, whispered like a secret: "But that feels so selfish."
Ah, the infamous "Mom Guilt."
It's a pervasive myth in our culture that a "good mother" sacrifices every last drop of her energy for her family. That anything done for herself is a luxury, a frivolous indulgence that detracts from her children's well-being. But as a psychotherapist specializing in nervous system regulation, I can tell you unequivocally: this is a dangerous falsehood.
Your Nervous System Doesn't Lie
Think about the nervous system. When you are depleted, exhausted, and constantly in a state of "doing," your system naturally shifts into a sympathetic (fight-or-flight) state. You become more reactive, less patient, and prone to irritability. This isn't a moral failing; it's biology. Your body is screaming for a break.
Now, imagine trying to co-regulate an overtired child, an anxious teen or a dysregulated preteen from that place. It's like trying to put out a fire with an empty bucket. You simply don't have the internal resources to offer the calm, attuned presence your child needs.
Your self-care isn't selfish; it's foundational parenting. It's the act of refilling your own cup, so you actually have something to pour.
Redefining Self-Care: It's Not Always a Spa Day
For many moms, the idea of "self-care" conjures images of expensive spa treatments or long, uninterrupted vacations – things that feel utterly out of reach. Let's redefine it.
Self-care isn't about grand gestures; it's about intentional acts of nourishment that speak to your nervous system. It's about finding those small moments that allow you to shift from sympathetic (high alert) back into parasympathetic (rest and digest) or, even better, into your social engagement system.
It could be:
5 minutes of quiet: Sitting with a warm cup of tea (or coffee if you’re like me) before anyone else wakes up.
Movement: A brisk walk around the block, listening to a favourite podcast.
Connecting with nature: Stepping outside, feeling the sun, hearing the birds.
Creative expression: Journaling, doodling, singing in the car.
Connecting with a friend: A quick, meaningful phone call where you feel truly seen.
The key is finding what genuinely recharges you, not what Instagram says self-care should look like.
